Over The Atlantic

As I leave the evening lights behind and in the uncomfortable airplane seat try to attend to my crazy life, I always end up with the same fear: Maybe it was not time yet! Maybe, just maybe. Could it be possible that we were all wrong? That we misread the signs; that we did not care. Then, I look out of the plane window and try to reason with myself. No. That is ridiculous! No; we know better. And yet, it is dark outside the plane. And it is now always dark in me.

A feeling that does not go away. An "away" that becomes an ever-present feeling. Other sorrows seem now bearable; joys do not exist. Just moments of lesser pain. One feels guilty to have smiled; one feels lonely when smiling.

I do know the answer to the above questions. I do know that I will ask the questions not to get answers but because I have to. Because that is how my life may now be. Because I already know the answers to these questions!

...Extreme feelings once helped me find that poem we all want to write. Intense moments often dictated the self-discovery we all fear. And yet, when I had to choose, it was always for the un-expected and the un-known.
Today, I have an extreme feeling. Perhaps the most extreme of all feelings and thoughts. And strange enough, when I am alone in a narrow seat at 36,000 feet, I dream of useless moments where neither pain nor joy ever found their time. But I know I found that oasis one wants, to quench a thirst suddenly unknown; to sit under that shade away from the light.

Funny, I know where all this is going. Yet, as it goes there, I seem to find myself surprised by its pace; by its direction. Is this a game?
Is there a reason why I should pretend not to know the direction?

And suddenly, I realize that what I just did is ask the "why" question! I asked the single most disturbing question which has no answer. In fact, I did ignore the rules: one has to ask the “what” question only and then wonder if there is a "why" question for everyone else to ask. Or, if only the select ones can reach that level of self punishment!

So, I look out of the window, this time with more acceptances. This time, I seem to know my limits. This time I will resist asking if I already know the answer. This time, I will only look out of the window for the sake of looking, not with any hope of seeing. This time, I know that I will always wonder if it was time. And, that I will still hope that I am wrong, even when I know the answer….

Delta # 90, NY to Barcelona

Nov 12, 2005

PS/ Written after reading a report that a new immunosuppressive medication has been successfully tested in patients with Lupus and kidney failure.